When Your Best Friend Hates Your Friends

This is a tough topic to talk about, but it’s important to address – not every dog is going to be cuddly and approachable for everyone.  Barak and SoomSoom illustrate this; SoomSoom is very friendly and amenable to being approached and pet by strangers, while Barak is very skittish when approached and is quick to bark or lunge when he feels cornered.

We’ve worked extensively with trainers and, while we’ve managed to make improvements and find approaches that limit Barak’s discomfort, we’ve had to come to terms with the fact that Barak will never be friendly to many people.  This was hard for us to admit – we hoped that with time, he could come to like some of our friends – but admitting it has been good for him and for us.  With that said, Barak seems to enjoy being around other people now and then (he often barks at people until they start petting him, and then will quiet down for a bit) and we don’t want to be hermits, so we – with the help of various trainers – have worked on strategies for different situations when we want Barak to be social but not get upset and agitated. 

On walks

We’ve lived in NYC and LA, so there are always other people around during our daily walks.  Since this has been his reality since he was a puppy, Barak is used to having people standing near him or passing him on the street and it doesn’t agitate him.  

With that said, being around so many people does come with potential triggers that we’ve learned to watch out for.  Two triggers we’ll address here, since they’re the most frequent, are children and skateboarders.  

Children

Barak is generally happy to ignore children… until one decides Barak looks super cute (I mean, he is pretty darn cute) and reaches out to grab him without asking anyone or giving any warning.  Kids in NYC are usually pretty good about not doing this, I think because they and their parents are so used to having lots of dogs around. But sadly, it still happens. Understandably, Barak doesn’t like being unexpectedly grabbed by a stranger. The situation is dangerous not only for the child, but for Barak as well. 

We address the risk of a grabby child in three ways: first, we keep an eye out for kids when walking (to be honest, we do this anyways… because who wants to be the adult who tramples a child),  we keep Barak close to our hip on the side away from other pedestrians as much as possible, and we volunteer SoomSoom up for petting if a child expresses interest in the dogs.  

Skateboarders

For dealing with skateboarders, we adopt two strategies: 1) we keep our eyes peeled and try to spot any skateboards well before Barak does, and 2) if there is a skateboard approaching or nearby, we move Barak as far away from the skateboarder as possible, placing our body between Barak and the skateboarder, and direct Barak’s attention to us.  Despite his keen senses, Barak is generally amenable to being distracted (or are his senses not actually that keen…?)  

Having visitors

Another time Barak potentially interacts with other people is when we have visitors. Because of COVID-19 this hasn’t been something we’ve dealt with since March 2020, but pre-pandemic, we developed a few strategies for dealing with Barak’s behavior.  

As mentioned above, our primary method of managing Barak’s behavior when we have guests is sending Barak to “place,” a spot just for him where people won’t approach him and he can feel secure. We’ve used his crate for this in the past but recently introduced a separate bed as his “place” and he now uses that.  One of us will keep an eye on him while he’s in his place to make sure he doesn’t suddenly dart off it.  From there, controlled interactions are the best way to build confidence and security.

While a bit awkward at first, we always explain to visitors that they need to be conscious of their movements and avoid moving too quickly. We ask them to find a comfortable seat rather than stand or walk around, which is super helpful as Barak feels more relaxed when visitors are fairly stationary. Once they’ve settled in, we guide Barak over to our visitors. If he sniffs them and shows calm interest in them (e.g. doesn’t bark at them), we allow them to pet him under his chin (e.g. not above his head). If he barks at them, we immediately place ourselves between Barak and our visitor and then guide Barak back to place.  This approach works best with only a few visitors at a time, so if you have a skittish dog, you may need to revisit plans for that massive birthday party.

Interacting with other dogs

In addition to human friends, we occasionally have puppy play dates.  These are largely for SoomSoom’s benefit, but with the proper guidance and monitoring, they are valuable for Barak, as well.  

Whether we’re at someone else’s house, our own house, or out and about, a slow introduction to the other dog is always important (even if they’ve met before). If we’re in a home, we usually try to have some sort of barrier separating Barak from the other pups for a while, so he can acclimate to their presence and build confidence.  If he barks at the other dog, we immediately step in between him and the other dog (even if there’s a barrier) and back him away from the other dog.  If he shows positive, friendly interest in the other dog (e.g. looking at them without barking), we give him a treat and praise him. From there, we allow him to engage in short periods of direct contact, interspersed by separation breaks to cool off. This keeps the momentum moving in the right direction while minimizing the risk of overexcitement or a tussle.  

During any visits with other pups, we make sure to keep a close eye on Barak’s body language for any signs that he isn’t having fun or that his energy is shifting from excitement to agitation.  We usually leave harnesses on all of the dogs in case they need to be separated quickly, but we avoid using the leashes since they can get tangled, have a negative impact on the interaction, and potentially lead to leash aggression.  In general, Barak’s body language and emotions are fairly clear. Intervening early has been key if we see negative behavior as it prevents circumstances from reaching that negative tipping point. 

Take It Slow

It can be frustrating when your pup doesn’t get along with others. While you can certainly work on their social skills, it’s important to take it slow and respect their boundaries. Your pup feeds off your energy and can tell if you’re frustrated, so start with short interactions, celebrate all wins, and be patient.